For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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