so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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