I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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