Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
