NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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