You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
