She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize