you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
