He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
