I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sorry about my life...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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