You made me cry and you don't even care
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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