idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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