yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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