I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
