He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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