Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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