The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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