No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
