NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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