I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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