I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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