just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she pinky promised me she was 18
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
