oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
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He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
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It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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