So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
