You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
