There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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