I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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