just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
