I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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