I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
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It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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