Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
