I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
