He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
