I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
