well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
