my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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