I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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