My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
