did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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