i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
