I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
