Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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