either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
