He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
