We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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