Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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