i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
