The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
