WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
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I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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