Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
