Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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