I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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