I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
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How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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