Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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