my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
