you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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