So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
