If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
