He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
