Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
